We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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