life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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