Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
