Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
