just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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