You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
