dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
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Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
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Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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