I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
