Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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