I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
