I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
