Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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