I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
