I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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