I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
