The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
