my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
