I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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