She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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