So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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