I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
