why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
