I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
