So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He called his prostate his "boner button".
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I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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