I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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