Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
