You made me cry and you don't even care
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
