Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
