She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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