I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I skipped work to stalk him.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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