my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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