Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
