omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
