I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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