he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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