i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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