yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
