the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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