i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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