Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
