we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Success! We fucked roommates!
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