1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
