it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
sarcasm needs its own font
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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