Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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