i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
