we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
