I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I faked an abortion last night.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
