mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I believe in your delicious
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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