I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
