just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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