I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
