phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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