Your face is a jimmy john
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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