I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
