lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
operation harelip BJ is a go
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
