mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
