i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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