I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
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No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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