Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
